Style Conversational Week 1161: What better match than Politicians + Lies?
The Style Invitational Empress on this week’s contest and
crossword-clue results
Above and below, pages from “The Trump Coloring Book” by M.G. Anthony,
this week’s second prize. Pencils in red, white, blue and unnatural
yellow not included. (Post Hill Press )
By Pat Myers
Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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February 4, 2016
We’ve done an impressive series of bogus-trivia contests over the years
— most recently about the military, in Week 1132
—
but I’d forgotten about Week 739, a contest for lies about politicians.
That contest ran in late 2007, which meant that candidates Clinton,
Obama, Edwards, McCain and Romney were already busy throwing the
misinformation around, but before the advent of Sarah Palin, who
otherwise would surely be all over these results. And, of course, while
Style Invitational contestants have beenmocking Donald Trump since Year
1
in
1993, it wasn’t yet mocking Trump the politician. Somehow I think we’ll
be hearing about him a bit inWeek 1161 . Here
are the Week 739 results:
*4.* Little Johnny Edwards’s dog was killed when it ran into the back of
the ambulance they were chasing. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
*3. * LBJ’s mother used to pick him up by his ears. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
*2. *John Edwards’s campaign has released documents proving he now pays
well below the average rate not only for his haircuts, but also for his
weekly manicure, pedicure and mango-avocado-yogurt facial peel. (Larry
Yungk, on vacation in Bangkok)
*And the Winner of the Inker: * The venue for JFK’s visit to Germany was
changed from Hamburg on the advice of his speechwriter. (Joel Knanishu,
Rock Island, Ill.)
But wouldn’t he be in a yacht? (From “The Trump Coloring Book,” Post
Hill Press )
*Lying Low: Honorable Mentions*
Vice President Cheney’s prolonged absences from public view reflect
times he has checked into Bethesda Naval Medical Center while shedding
his exoskeleton. (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)
In addition to fear itself, FDR was terrified of circus clowns. (Barry
Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Kay “Bailey” Hutchison got her nickname from her father’s favorite
cartoon character, Beetle Bailey. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)
Hubert Humphrey named all his pet cats Bogart. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Maryland Gov. Bob Ehrlich is the secret love child of Bob Haldeman and
John Ehrlichman. (Randy Lee, Burke)
As a child, Winston Churchill once told a teacher, “Yes, m’am, I am
tardy, but tomorrow I will be on time, and you will still be ugly.”
(Jeff Brechlin)
Mean Mr. Mustard — or maybe “Here comes old rat-top ...” (From “The
Trump Coloring Book,” Post Hill Press)
In 1989, to prevent voters and political opponents from associating him
with America’s enemies, Barack Moammar Castro had his name legally
changed to Barack Hussein Obama. (Mike Fransella, Arlington)
Joe Biden once held his breath for 12 seconds. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)
Though James Buchanan was the only bachelor president, he had a deep
platonic relationship with rookie White House reporter Helen Thomas.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Al Gore may not have invented the Internet, but he did invent a great
electronic storage application for Internet porn. (Ralph Scott, Washington)
Bill Richardson has the most cleavage of any presidential candidate.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)
As a kid, Steny Hoyer was never teased about his name. (Randy Lee)
Rep. Tom Tancredo once rode in a taxi driven by an illegal immigrant --
and he gave the driver a tip. (Horace Labadie, Dunnellon, Fla.)
Mitt Romney has never spent more than $1.50 for a haircut, as he has
been bald since 1958. His current “hair” is a plastic cast made from a
bust of Ronald Reagan. (Steve Fahey)
Lincoln was the first president to wear briefs. (Russell Beland)
Walter Mondale made an interesting comment on Nov. 14, 1983. (Jeff Brechlin)
Newt Gingrich was named for the New Testament. (Randy Lee)
When he was living in Indonesia, Barack Obama was enrolled in Hadassah.
(Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)
Stephen Douglas used the line “I know you are but what am I?” four times
in his debate with Lincoln. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)
Ron Paul has a secret love child, Rudolph, or “Ru.” (Roy Ashley,
Washington; J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)
Dennis Kucinich only seems short because his wife is 8-foot-4. (Dave
Zarrow, Herndon)
Because of the troubles with subprime mortgages, the Romney campaign has
yet to be able to work out its purchase of Iowa. However, they’re close
to settlement over New Hampshire. (Cy Gardner, Arlington)
Hillary Clinton has amassed a huge campaign war chest from monies freed
from the accounts of Mrs. Sese Seko merely by paying administrative fees
of only a few thousands of dollars US. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
Sen. Larry Craig has just announced that after leaving office he will be
the national spokesman for a campaign to raise awareness of Restless Leg
Syndrome. (Dale Hample, Silver Spring)
Dennis Kucinich took steroids as a third-string high school quarterback,
but they were placebos. (Kevin Dopart)
Early in their marriage, Dick and Lynne Cheney decided that if they had
a son, they would name him Anakin. (Dale Hample)
Hillary Clinton has submitted entries to The Style Invitational 13 times
since 1996, but has never seen ink. (Chuck Koelbel, Houston)
----
So once again, you can choose from any politician of any era to lie
about, but I’d imagine that most people will go with the current crop.
And as above, the point of the untruth is to make an ironic or satirical
point, not just say something that’s just wrong for no satirical reason
— something thatcertain fake-news sites do with disturbing frequency
.
*HA CROSS PUNS: THE RESULTS OF WEEK 1157*
I’ve been filling in crosswords most every day lately, and while I’m no
super-speedster like some in the Loser Community — I usually fall in the
top 10 to 20 percent on the New York Times leaderboard for its
late-in-the-week puzzles — it’s become a lot easier for me to pick up on
the wordplay clues sprinkled throughout them. But if you don’t do such
puzzles — including Evan Birnholz’s Sunday crossword
for The
Washington Post Magazine — some of the clues among this week’s inking
entries could mystify you.
In fact, Evan has started a blog, CrossTalk,
in which he discusses his Sunday puzzle each week and explains some of
the clues. And here’s our own explainer for the trickier entries in Week
1157.
*BEAT: Follows “A: Get up” on a forgetful person’s to-do list *(Frank
Osen). This one was explained by the punctuation in the clue — one
reason it worked well at the top of the results; it might get people in
the necessary frame of mind.
*FARMS: Rejected terser, saltier title of Hemingway’s novel (hyphenated)
*(Duncan Stevens) . Recasting “A Farewell to Arms” to “F Arms.” This was
the most interesting of numerous “F arms” entries.
*RELAY: When you truly can’t eat just one * (Barry Koch) As in the
famous slogan for Lay’s potato chips.
*REAR: Talk like a pirate again *(Danielle Nowlin) Re-“ar.”
*ONTO: He rides with the One Ranger *(Selma Ellis) (T)onto/ (L)one Ranger
*LOBE: Stud’s hangout * (First Offender Donald Ramsey). As in the stud
of an earring.
*FARMS: A long-distance girlfriend* (Chris Damm). A far Ms.
*EKE: The middle of a weekend *(Kevin Dopart) WE EKE ND.
*OMIT: Nike’s new yoga-wear slogan: Just __ __* (Ben Aronin) “Just Om it”
*PLESSY: X + Y = P. Solve for X*. (Todd DeLap) P less Y.
*BERG: What Dan Snyder told Kirk Cousins not to do *(Mark Richardson) Be
R.G. (the beleaguered Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III)
*ESSEX: The most contorted position in the Kama Sutra* (Peter Boice) “S” sex
*SIDING: Contributing something to Thanksgiving dinner *(Kevin Dopart)
Bringing a side dish
*SIDING: In Barcelona, the answer to “Does that bell make a sound?”*
(Jeff Shirley) “¡Sí! ¡Ding!”
*EYESORE: Gloomy donkey’s ugly brother* (Brendan Beary) As in Eeyore
from “Winnie-the-Pooh.”
*ARGUE: What pirates say in a cussing match *(Jon Gearhart) “Arg You!”
(Yeah, I know, two pirate-talk jokes. So sue me.)
*BEAT: What Miss Philippines did to Miss Colombia, and what Miss
Colombia should have done to Steve Harvey* (Danielle Nowlin) Because he
announced the wrong Miss Universe winner.
*FATES+WEIRDO: The word “SO” in Comic Sans *(Kathy Hardis Fraeman) The
widely detested font has a
Fat S and a Weird O.
*SIRED: Fourth choice at a sperm bank *(Andrew Hoenig) Sire D.
*ERIES: Drunken Clevelanders might see two or three of these *(Duncan
Stevens) Blurred vision in seeing Lake Erie.
** *STOLEAKISS: Item on an expensive call girl’s price list *(Ward Kay)
Price for a kiss: a stole.
*TETE: It was on the cutting edge in 1789 *(Beverley Sharp) “Tete” is
French for “head.”
After reading through the thousands of entries, I shared a
not-very-shortlist with Evan and asked for his favorites. His faves, “in
no particular order,” included only one of today’s “above the fold”
entries, Duncan Stevens’s F-ARMS. Evan also cited ONTO, with the One
Ranger; PLESSY as “fully of pless”; WEIRDO as the Yankovic blood type;
SIDING for Thanksgiving; SIDING as Si! Ding! (and also one that didn’t
make my final cut: SIDING, “agreeing with Mr. Vicious,” by Dave
Komornik); ROBS for the Rob Schneider dig; ARTFORMS as a sentence
meaning “(stuff) happens” (plus the non-inking ARTFORMS, as “The
Garfunkel, the Carney, the Linkletter ...” by Barry Koch); ERIES for the
drunken Clevelanders; UNCLEREMUS as to remove the cleremus (there’s a
good example of an inking entry that wouldn’t work at all as a real
crossword clue, but is laugh-out-loud funny); TETE as being on the
cutting edge in 1789; and PORN as a job in which openings are filled
(though he didn’t think that was printable — we do recommend that Evan
not use such clues in his own puzzles).
Evan added: “And I’ll still offer my own (for no prize potential at
all....was just having fun): SIRED: Your majestied.”
I judged this contest by searching on each word through all the entries,
anywhere from 20 to 100 for each word. And I had NO idea, not even a
guess, who’d written any of them until they were already chosen and put
on the page, at which I looked up each one up with a search through the
e-mail. As always happens when everyone’s working from the same word
list, there was a lot of duplication. If there were too many that were
essentially identical (ABUSE as 10 minutes of sit-ups, etc), I didn’t
run it; other times, I decided that one entry was in some way better
than similar ones.
With his eighth first-place win and 491st blot of Invite ink, Jeff
Contompasis heads into the final nine steps to the Hall of Fame Big Door
Knocker. Which leads me to think I’ll be able to induct him in person at
...
*THE FLUSHIES AWARD LUNCH/ POST HUNT WEEKEND: MAY 21-22*
As I mentioned earlier, this year’s Flushies — the Losers’ own awards
“banquet”/songfest/toilet paper toss — will be at the country home of
Loser Robin Diallo on Saturday afternoon, May 21; like last year’s
festivities, it’ll be a potluck with negligible extra cost. And also
like last year, it will fall the day before the Post Hunt,
the huge , spectacular gathering in which thousands of people race to
solve a series of diabolical brain teasers dreamed up by the team of
Dave Barry, Gene Weingarten and Tom Shroder. So out-of-town Losers can
take in both events. Save the date!
*LOSER SIGHTING THIS SUNDAY: JOIN US FOR BRUNCH *
Bid farewell to Loser Nan Reiner before she relocates permanently to
Florida, and meet Loser Josh Feldblyum as he visits from Philadyelphia
at this month’s Loser Brunch on Sunday at noon, at Kilroy’s, one of the
regular spots on the yearly brunch rotation; it’s right off the Braddock
Road exit on the Beltway. There’s a $12 breakfast buffet plus a regular
menu. RSVP to Elden Carnahan on the Losers’ website, NRARS.org
(click on “Our Social Engorgements”). Everyone is
invited — we’re always eager to meet new Losers and even Just Readers.
Currently we’re a pretty cozy group; it won’t be one of these Big Event
brunches. We can all chat.
*MEET THE PARENTHESES: (David Friedman, Arlington, Va.) *
/David First-Offended in 2009, but almost all his 26 blots of Invite ink
have been scored in the past couple of years — most recently and notably
in last week’s obit poem about the burglar who got caught in a house’s
chimney, which had perhaps the single best line in the whole contest:
Christmas stole the Grinch.” As with our previous Parentheses, David
adapted the Empress’s Q&A template to answer whatever he liked./
// /If you’re one of the top 25 or so current Losers or are one of the
top 100 or so all-time, the E would be happy to have you introduce
yourself to the rest of Loserdom. E-mail her at pat.myers@washpost.com. /
// *Where you live:* All over the U.S. So far I’ve represented Maryland,
Massachusetts, and Virginia in the Invitational, but none terribly well.
*Do you have any comments on your official Loser anagram, “A Farm
Dividend”? *Not now, but something may come up eventually.
*What do people who’ve never heard of the Invite know you as? *Lightning
Jack, Rambling Awesomeness (or ‘Ramble’), The Juggler, or Lawyer Dave.
To elementary school students, I’m “MISTERDAVID!!MISTERDAVIDCANI....”
*What do you do when you’re not composing Invite entries? *Underemployed
as a lawyer and occasionally underemployed as a visual/performing artist
or teacher. Vocationally arguing, throwing things, scribbling, and being
the center of attention.
*What brought you to Loserdom?* In 2009, I sketched “Dennis the Phantom
Menace” for the comic strip mash-up challenge before realizing the
contest just wanted a title. /(The title and description did get David
his first ink.) / I went on to lose at other things until a far more
talented Loser’s challenge caused this relapse.
*Closest Brush With the Famous: *I was “The American” of a busload of
college students hired for prom security where Prince William went to
university. Had more fun getting nearly locked in the Carnegie Museum of
Natural History while touring the entomology lab filmed in “The Silence
of the Lambs” with my family. Better stories, fewer injuries, and the
curator didn’t hit anyone with a bottle.
*Some favorite entries? *Even though they didn’t get ink:
/Week 1111: Song title parody for store names:/ “Steers in Heaven”
steakhouse; “Bohemian Wraps ’n’ Tea” sandwich shop./
Week 1149: What to do for Lawyer Appreciation Day:/ Become the affect of
their objection.
/Week 1142:/ Tweet from a celebrity mash-up: Anne Frank-Lloyd-Wright: By
combining utility and obscurity, even a simple attic can bring entire
families together.
*What’s an example of something that confirms your Loserosity? *Within
months after performing in what turned out to be a DUI stop training
video for Maryland police, I acted in an international television
station’s documentary about LSD. Beltway traffic isn’t the only thing
that terrifies me about local driving.
*What are your Invitational goals?* Having never placed in the top five,
I’m hoping someday the
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